Breathing Normally Again

I feel like I can breath again. DD17's oncology and radiation visits went well, but most of all her scans were clean. (Well, we haven't received the spinal MRI "all-clear" but I've never been especially worried about that.)

For some reason, I had been very anxious about the appointments. Most likely because last year I was finally feeling relaxed at the 5-year mark, and then look what happened. And I tend to read too much into expressions, comments, looks and even scurrying MRI technicians (why are they hurrying with those scans in their hands, never mind that there are usually a half-dozen people getting scans at the same time). It feels like it's all about me (or DD17), so I have tunnel vision.

I think the oncologist knew we were nervous, because she called us on her way home from the hospital yesterday to say she'd personally gone down to MRI and had the scans reviewed in front of her so she could call us. Of course, from past experience, I know that bad news travels fast and we've never been allowed to even leave the hospital without hearing it.

So, today feels like a good day, mostly. There's a tiny part of me that always expects a phone call from someone saying a mistake has been made, but I've come to accept that I can't trust my instincts all the time. That a finely-honed sense of anxiety will always cloud my vision where DD17 is concerned.

And truthfully, as the oncologist reminded us, an MRI for DD17 is really just a shot in the dark. Her particular tumor is a fast-growing type that wouldn't necessarily show up in a once-a-year MRI. Still, as long as our insurance will pay for it, the oncologist recommends we continue them.

The doctor spoke for the first time about the future. Since about 75% of children are now surviving cancer, long-term survivor clinics are springing up across the bigger hospitals. She said DD17 can be her patient forever, or until she decides to switch to an adult oncologist. Patients can choose either/or. The oncologist is part of a major teaching hospital, so it doesn't matter...the doctors are all connected. And she sends kids to other hospitals or specialists as needed. I sense the doctor thinks they are all in this fight together.

Who knows the problems these kids may face? For DD17, we know she will likely start mammograms at age 30, due to the scatter from spinal radiation. And she will probably need to start seeing a dermatologist yearly, for skin cancer checks. We know that radiation puts kids at higher risk of leukemia, so bloodwork will always be in the cards. As her radiation oncologist said to her, "You will see doctors for the rest of your life." Indeed, a small price to pay.